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(what i would expect from my dog, if she could write…after catching her ‘anus scraping’)

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…so while sitting next to my 1st born male son(T), from my 1st wife(X) (yes, i have been married one time)…i inadvertently overheard my 1st born daughter(N) talking to him, telling him “to go and DO SOMETHING with his life”

his reply was that he didn’t have to because he was a “human being“ and not a “human doing“

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…X likes to watch ‘the girls next door’ a reality (not really) show about the fake lives of hugh hefner and his 3 “professional” girlfriends/24 hr. employees/sexual tings…so when the victoria secret fashion show began on cbs, she had to decide whether to watch the girls in skimpy clothes or the girls in skimpy clothes with wings…true…she really likes the girls next door…i really didn’t care which one she watched…i was too busy…

…licking the tv screen…har

FACTO: i am the video game master

gamers have a lot of pride in how well and fast they conquer games…“i beat it in 846 hours non-stop without a bathroom break in the ‘impossible’ level, suckah“

BACKGROUND:
i do feel responsible for bringing video games into the fatitude family (all 3 sides) by introducing my nieces and nephew
(only 1 at the time due to a lack of maleness genes) to  1st generation home gaming on my second computer, the atari 800 with 48k of memory…yes, kilobytes, not Ka-JIG-a MOMMAS.

this is after selling my apple II 16k machine for a true almost fulltime game system.

they would come over and i would have to explain and show them how to use the 1 button joystick…yes, i was better than them all!

my future bride gave in to my gaming madness by allowing me to be the only person on earth to give the video gaming system ‘pong’ to my brother/wife as wedding gift…she refused to sign the card, and i said “fine, more for me!”  (“they’ll love it…it’s gonna be in every home”…i said, as she rolled her eyes and whispered something…

…she must have said, “boy this chinese guy is not only smart..he’s got a rockin body“) needless to say,  i’m sure pong is in some dump in china now.

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fast forward to present-day thanksgiving >>>>>>>>>>>>

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…i tell my youngest son to bring home the x-box 360 and halo 3 he just paid for with his scholarship money…

A says, “dad, this is the coolest game out there today…it’s a 1st person shooting rpg with fob and 123 ABC…dot dot dot“

ME: oh just hand me the controller and put it on the hardest level…

A: ok (puts it on “novice with brain disorder” level in demo mode)

ME: WHAT’S WRONG WITH THIS? HOW COME I CANT MOVE?

A: press A…no..now b…no no..now A and jump…JUMP..JUMP..JUMP!

ME: why cant i move? i just keep looking at the sky…then the ground…then the sky again…why cant i move?

A: JUMP DAD…JUMP…JUMP..JUMP!

(at this point, A is no longer paying any attention to me)

A: (whispering something in his cell phone about me, to some dorm chick, prob….something like…BOY MY DAD IS NOT ONLY SMART…HE’S THE BEST GAMER I HAVE EVER SEEN!_

30 min later…

(while driving A to buy a new controller i just accidentally threw out the 17th floor balcony window, i proceeded to tell him how good i was shooting a real gun as a cop…then a bunch of real-life cop stories…he had these plugs in his ears attached to a small pod…i think he really liked hearing my cop stories…boy i am a “rockin dad”…name orig given by angelahappydot)

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BREAKING NEWSFLASH: THOSE WHO HAVE HAD CONTACT WITH MY DAUGHTER CAN BE TREATED FOR THE HAND/EYE FUNGUS AND ‘OTHER’ AREA “(INSECT/LICE/FECAL) INFECTION BY UTILIZING THE CLEANSING/FUMIGATION ITEMS FOUND AT ANY PETCO STORE…MAINTAIN TREATMENT THROUGH 4 LARVAL CYCLES. (THE YONDER ORIFICIUM(L.) ODOR WILL SUBSIDE WITH DAILY BRUSHING AFTER TREATMENT KILLS THE HIND-KNEE PARASITES)
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START HERE

…so my brave/foolish? daughter gets it in her head my feet look like they belong to a monkey and decides to give me a home pedicure…(kinda like “man vs. wild” cepting with a chinese girl)

never having had one…or ever washing my feet for that matter…i say ‘no way, leave me stubs alone”

…needless to say, while i was stuck in front of the tv she proceeded to SOAK PUMICE (wth) SCRUB CUT SOAK FRANGRANCE (SHEESH) for the next 2 hrs.

…it was amazing…thanks sweety…you are 1 brave soul

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on another note, since i am unable to walk on these red bleeding stubby feet that are 2 shoe sizes smaller than before due to the loss of dead calloused tissue…and since they hurt like a mother..and since they smell like a hooker…and due a tad of dizzyness and vertigo due to near exsanguination…

…i will be sitting here watching vh1 and tila nguyen

END

(wow, this xanga thing is great…you can just type stupid stuff that’s in your head…make up some lies…then press ‘save’ and a bunch of pictures tell you that tila tequila is ugly…amazing…shoot, where have i been?…i have so much to say…and so much time…i’m so excited)

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…so about 30 minutes ago i am walking from downtown oakland to chinatown…i happen upon a street person i met a few months ago and he proceeds to tell me about a musician’s newsletter he is writing for local talent…then goes on for about 5 minutes about the “mafia’s” attempts on his life…including when the gov’t tried to kill him for talking about NASA’s apollo program…anyway, i excused myself and told him i had to “take-off”…i laughed…he didn’t

…so onto the miracle…i walk into a dim sum pastry shop that i frequent about every other week…the girl behind the counter…in need of an extreme make-over…looking like a hong kong boat model, who just recently oiled her face and hair…speaking cantonese and limited english…(yes definitely a chinese hottie)…proceeds to ask me what i want…

ME: 3 cha-siew bows…2 of those leaf rice-chicken things…(pointing) about 2 of those things…yeah, uhhhhhhhh, that’s it. (nice smile now and look directly into her eyes)

HOTTIE: (ringing up my stuff and totalling it) “ok umm-goh say-hoe boon…($5.45) and this one free for you”

ME: wow…(wide eyed sheer amazement)…really?…thanks

HOTTIE: “ok thank you (big smile with very pretty yellow gapped teeth)

true miracle…words never uttered in chinatown…”free for you”

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FREE STUFF: 2 HA-CHERN-FUN…(shrimp long noodles)

…how do this thing work?

…costco in hawaii has these very small watermelons…about the size of melons a woman would be very proud of…selling for 2/$9 USD…i ate 30 of these things in 20 days…and to answer your question…”no, i did not”

…does anyone else think tila tequila (nguyen) is “not look too good”?

…why is it when i drive by certain areas in the Bay, i think of specific people i know living on the street?

…30(f) degree low in SF this past week

…i sure do miss you kids

…crank the…who-the-what?

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…HDTV…1080p…DLP…GPS…FOB…iEverything…and a very reasonably priced orange Lotus Elise…(list to santa)

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…in most states it is against the law to beg…there are variances to these laws…however…

…yesterday i was getting some ‘benjamins’ out of an atm in safeway in hawaii…safeway has been hiring disabled persons abiding by the americans w/ disabilities act…as i turned the corner an employee in an electric wheelchair rolled in on me and benj and said in front of numerous customers…

…”would you like to donate help find a cure for my muscular dystropy?”

…how do thet ‘know’ to beg from me?…do i have ‘sucker’ written somewhere?

…sometimes i don’t thinking i EXPRESS myself too good…i try to express stuff i have collected but cannot get it out…no matters how hard i try to doing it

…my niece’s dog has the same problem…she discovered zero has anal glands that have collected too much anal fluid stuff…it needs expressing…and ah-loon cannot do it

…i have not been able to write stuff lately…and many times i want to erase what nonsense i have written

…  it did take me 3 hours to remove the scotch tape dispenser and tube of cyanoacrylate i superglued to my fingers…shoot

…did you know they use superglue to develop fingerprints at a crime scene by heating it to make the chemical airborne?…the fumes adhere to the prints permanently…

…it’s nice having all familia together in a chinatown

…the bad thing about living on top of a highrise is the water pressure makes flushing giant poops down several stories difficult…scorn big poops

…the good thing is you can watch the poop spin in the toilet with your family for entertainment

…someone is fluent in mandarin

…someone is working as a fulltime m.e.

…someone is back from africa

…someone is in yosemite

…someone is back from hawaii

…someone is stinky

…it saddens me to see, on youtube, the number of people dying in iraq and afganistan…why are we there again?…who said we could fight in afganistan again?…nobody?

…why don’t we just negotiate with them?…oh?…we killed the people we could negotiate with?

…oh i guess we should just wait until they run out of weapons…oh?…they stole 200,000 weapons this week?

…maybe we should just turn the country back over to their military and police that we are paying and training…what?…they are the ones that stole the weapons?…huh?…there are members in the police and army that were and still loyal to saddam?…what?

…WHAT?…4000 PEOPLE IN THE COALITION HAVE DIED FIGHTING THERE?…DIED?…THEIR FAMILIES MUST BE SAD…WHAT THE CRAP???…AND 27,000 MEMBERS OF THE COALITION HAVE WAR WOUNDS?…LIKE PERMANENT INJURIES SUCH AS AMPUTATIONS AND LOST SIGHT?…

(There have been 3,975 coalition deaths — 3,679 Americans, two
Australians, 166 Britons, 13 Bulgarians, one Czech, seven Danes, two
Dutch, two Estonians, one Fijian, one Hungarian, 33 Italians, one
Kazakh, one Korean, three Latvian, 21 Poles, two Romanians, five
Salvadoran, four Slovaks, 11 Spaniards, two Thai and 18 Ukrainians –
in the war in Iraq as of August 8, 2007…               http://www.cnn.com/SPECIALS/2003/iraq/forces/casualties/                 )

…how many iraqi civilians have died there?…wow?…as many as 75,000?…some say less?…some over 100k?…

…i sure hope george w. bush sends our military boys and girls back to their families soon…WHAT?